A sort of Rock-Paper-Scissors but for the NFL
Bay-Bucs-Boys, Shoot!

The Ultimate NFL Mascot Battle Royale

Or better put: Who would win in an actual clash of the mascots?

Ethan Thee Intern
Ethan Thee Intern

While of course we're partial to Pick'em, there may be no game more perfect, dare-we-say more pure than good ol'-fashioned Rock-Paper-Scissors.

It’s simple. It’s fair. And, for the most part, the logic holds up (though we still have a long-standing suspicion of paper beating rock, but that's beside the fact).

Last week, we suggested a few ways losing pickers could experiment with the last few weeks of the NFL's regular season, and for some reason, the idea that you pick which mascot would win in a literal fight, spoke to many of you, igniting some debate internally for how to approach mascot-on-mascot violence as fairly as possible.

We decided to we’d reapply the rules of Rock-Paper-Scissors and give you some direction.  In that spirit, every team here beats 7 other NFL teams and loses to 7 other teams.

For the next four weeks, we’ll be using our own chart to see if we can beat the public at pick'em.

Below, we’ve included some charts, as well as our internal logic as to how the charts were made.

Also, you may notice that the Houston Texans and Detroit Lions aren’t on this list. The reason for that is simple: We couldn’t make the logic work with 16 teams so we picked the two worst teams to keep off of here. If they wanna be on this list so bad they can be better next year.

Without further ado...

AFC Mascot Hierarchy

  • Dolphins are supposedly the smartest species, after humans. However, the Miami Dolphin assumes that it would be safe in the water as the only underwater AFC mascot. Turns out, the Cincinnati version of the Bengal can swim after all — Cincy is on the Ohio River, after all — resulting in a (Ja'Maar) Chase throughout the sea and the Bengal (Joe) Burrowing its claws into the Dolphin. Game over.
  • Have you heard of David vs. Goliath? The Patriot, with its passion for freedom, slings a rock at the tall, arrogant Titan when it isn't looking. As the saying goes: the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
  • The two jungle cats might seem equal but the Jaguar uses its newly acquired kicking skills learned from Urban Meyer to defeat the Bengal and claim the title of superior predator.
  • Aren’t flight delays the worst? Mother Nature remains undefeated as the Charger halts the travel of the Jet and a frightened Zach Wilson has to put on his own oxygen mask before anybody else.
  • The luckiness and structure of the Colt calls to the Patriot as he wants the good luck for himself, but unbeknownst to the Patriot, there is a horseshoe stake in the ground. The Patriot trips over it, hits his head, and is vanquished
  • In a battle of blue-collar grit, the Steeler travels to Buffalo to track down the Bill. The Steeler plants a plate of mouth-watering, buffalo wings and waits for the Bill to approach. Unable to resist, the Bill begins to feast and the Steeler strikes.
  • The Raider and Bronco square off for AFC West supremacy. The Bronco races around the Raider in circles, effectively trapping him. The circle becomes smaller and smaller and the Raider seems destined to lose. With his back against the wall, the Raider backflips onto the Bronco’s back and rides the off into the sunset.
  • The Bill and the Patriot duke it out in a snow-filled gladiator arena. This time, the noble bison uses the run and speed of its own to surprise the Patriot and knock him into submission.
  • The Raven, king of the sky, flies above, looking for competition. The Charger has other plans as the clouds turn dark and lighting strikes down. The Raven, undeterred, tears through the clouds and avoids the lighting as it soars above, defeating the Charger.

NFC Mascot Hierarchy

  • In the battle of the horns, the Viking freezes the Ram in its tracks with a SKOL chant. Mistaking this for a mating call, the Ram lets down its guard and the Viking attacks
  • The Panther stalks a group of frightened, untrained football players while they’re on safari. As night falls, it picks them off one-by-one.
  • The Buccaneer, champion of the sea, waltzes into the Wild Wild West, looking for a new challenge. In Indiana Jones fashion, the Buccaneer’s sword stands no chance against the Cowboy’s revolver.
  • The 49er’s love for gold outmatches the Saint’s love for religion as the 49er bribed some of its compatriots to inflict injury on the Saint. Sound familiar?
  • On the hunt, the Football Team quietly approaches the Bear in its native habitat. One by one, they surrounded the Bear and Chase Young RKO's the bear out of nowhere!
  • The Packer, in an offering of peace and kindness, gives the best cheese in Wisconsin to the Cowboy. However, the Cowboy did not detect the hidden laxatives and made an immediate sprint to the bathroom.
  • The Cardinal is taking a nap in its nest near MetLife Stadium and out of nowhere, FE FI FO FUM, here comes the Giant, big and dumb. The Giant picks the beautiful bird up to play with it, but fails to recognize its own size and squashes it.
  • The Falcon has the Ram on its last legs. After a dominant showing from the Falcon, the Ram goes for the jugular and beats the Falcon into submission. What a comeback! A blown lead from a Falcon? Never heard of that one before.
  • The Cowboy and the Giant standoff, waiting for the other to make the first move. As the Giant suddenly charges, the Cowboy uses his lasso to wrap around the Giant’s legs, taking a page from the book of Star Wars Episode V.
  • The Saint, with its composure and ability to connect with others, is able to speak to the Bear and communicate with him. Suddenly, the peaceful interaction turns into trash talk as the Saint hurts the Bear’s feelings and makes him retreat.
  • While hunting for gold, the 49er takes a wrong turn and ends up near the ocean. Suddenly, a battleship speeds over and the Buccaneer fires its cannons and effectively ends the gold rush.


Well there you have it.

We'll let you all know how our logic holds up for the last few weeks of the year! (Wouldn't it be something if this actually did better than how we normally do?)

NFL

Ethan Thee Intern

NCAA: Michigan 〽️ NBA: Celtics ☘️ MLB: Yankees 🏆 NFL: Giants 🟦 Just an Intern trying to make a name for himself in the beautiful world of sports.